[BE WARNED! MUSHY STUFF DEAD AHEAD!]

[Warnings;Themes]

[Scene; Wendy's house, she's in the middle making a snow man. We hear foot steps coming up from behind her and a huge shadow cast over her. She turns and gasps.]

WENDY: Cartman, what the hell are you doing here?

CARTMAN: Wendy, I have a serious problem!

WENDY: What, you discover you got your own gravity pull?

CARTMAN: No! Last night, my Ma went out for a while, so I went peeking at my Christmas presents.

WENDY: Cartman, how could you?

CARTMAN: Ay, no one home, what do you expect me to do?

WENDY: Play with your dolly?

CARTMAN: No! So, I looked in the closet and found the presents, but you'll never guess what.

WENDY: What?

CARTMAN: They were ALL girl presents! A dress, a doll, lipstick, make-up and all that stuff!

WENDY: Wow, that sucks. How come you're getting girl presents?

CARTMAN: I have no idea! But what does this mean? Ma wanting me to get in touch with my female genitalia or something?

WENDY: That's feminine side. I don't know.

CARTMAN: I am just so fucked up! Girl presents for a boy? Pft!

[Cartman walks away, trips and leaves a huge snow angel in the ground.]

WENDY: Ah, he deserves it anyway. Looking at your christmas presents, I'd never do th-

MRS. TESTABURGER: Wendy, honey, me and your father need to go out for a while. Be back soon.

[Her parents walk off. Wendy runs inside and goes into her parents room, she flings the cupboard open and looks for presents. She finds them, but not the one she wants.]

WENDY: Huh?

[She pulls out a race car set, video of wrestling, and American Gladiator stuff.]

WENDY: What the hell?!

[She puts everything back, she needs to talk to Cartman. Fast. She runs out the house and down the street, and runs into Stan.]

WENDY: Stan!

STAN: Oh, hi, Wendy.

WENDY: Stan, have you seen Cartman?

STAN: Why do you need to talk to him?

WENDY: I just need to! Now! Where is he?

STAN: Dude, I just passed him. He's heading home.

WENDY: Thanks, Stan. Bye.

[She runs down the street, Stan walks a couple of paces and stops.]

STAN: Wendy, wanting to talk to Cartman, and she runs to his house? Uh-oh.

[Cartman's House. Wendy runs up and knocks on the door. Cartman answers.]

CARTMAN: Hey, Wendy.

WENDY: Cartman! I gotta tell you! My parents went out, and I did what you did!

CARTMAN: Come on in, Wendy.

[He opens the door wider and she goes in. Kyle sees this.]

KYLE: What the hell?

[Inside Cartman's House.]

CARTMAN: See? I told you.

[Cartman has opened the closet door and is showing her what he found.]

WENDY: When my parents went out, I looked for my presents, and I found boy stuff!

CARTMAN: Man, what the fuck is going on?

WENDY: I have no idea.

[They both look at each other for a long time, the camera pans back and forth.]

WENDY: I got it!

CARTMAN: What?

[Kyle's listening outside, Wendy has just explained what they're going to do.]

WENDY: Well? What do you think?

CARTMAN: I think it's a great idea!

WENDY: Okay, we'll meet at 11:30 tomorrow night. You won't tell anyone, will you?

CARTMAN: Why would I tell someone this? It'll cause a lot of trouble at school!

WENDY: Okay, tomorrow night then?

CARTMAN: I'll bring the presents if you do.

WENDY: Fine.

[Kyle runs off. Kyle meets Stan]

KYLE: STAN! STAN!

STAN: What?

KYLE: I just saw Wendy go into Cartman's house!

STAN: What!?

[Kyle tells him what he had heard.]

STAN: Man, and before that, Wendy asked me if I had seen Cartman...

KYLE: Maybe they're having an affair!

STAN: WHAT?! Cartman knocking up Wendy?!

KYLE: Maybe he's kissed her!

STAN: What?!

KYLE: Maybe she's gotten sick of you vomiting. Maybe she wants a better man.

STAN: No! She never minds!

KYLE: The only way is to corner them and ask.

STAN: No, you say that they're going to meet tomorrow night at 11:30?

KYLE: Yeah?

STAN: Let's go barge in on their little interlude.

KYLE: Dude, I don't want to see Cartman screwing Wendy!

STAN: Before that. Catch them when Cartman's unzipping his pants.

KYLE: Oh.

[NEXT DAY AT THE BUS STOP (even though it's the holidays).]

STAN: Wendy?

WENDY: Yeah?

STAN: Why'd you want to speak to Cartman?

WENDY: Oh, no reason. No reason at all.

[She glances at Cartman, who looks paranoid.]

KYLE: I saw Cartman let you into his house. Why?

[Cartman and Wendy stare blankly at them.]

CARTMAN: Mind your own busniess! It has nothing to do with you two at all!

[Cartman walks off. Stan looks at Wendy.]

WENDY: Stan, you shouldn't be getting into other people's business. So don't.

[She walks off.]

STAN: Oh no! They are having an affair!

KYLE: I am so sorry dude!

[Kenny walks up.]

KENNY: {Hey, what's happening?}

KYLE: Stan's found out that Cartman's been bumping Wendy behind his back.

KENNY: {Gross!}

[Near the library.]

KENNY: {I swear, it's true!}

BEBE: I don't belive this. Wendy with...Cartman of all people?!

[They look and see Wendy talking to Cartman. They read her lips, it looks like: WENDY: I want to fuck you for keeping this a secret, Cartman.]

[What she really said Is:]

WENDY: I want to thank you for keeping this a secret, Cartman.

CARTMAN: That's okay.

WENDY: I think people are getting suspicious. See you tonight.

[Wendy walks towards Bebe and Kenny.]

BEBE: Wendy, what were you doing talking to Cartman?

KENNY: {Yeah, what secret?}

WENDY: Just keep your big hooded mouth shut Kenny or I'll kick you in the nuts!

KENNY: {I'll be good.}

[That night. Cartman's sneaking out of his house with the presents, zoom on into his house.]

LIANE: Oh, yes, Marty. Cartman went through the presents. He looked awful. (long pause) She did? Oh the poor dear. (pause) Okay, tweleve tonight? Fine.

[Out on the street. Wendy's waiting under a lamp post. Stan and Kyle are hiding.]

KYLE: *YAWN* Oh man, when is he gonna show? *YAWN*

[Stan's asleep. Kyle sighs and then drops off too. Cartman walks up.]

CARTMAN: Here, Wendy.

[He passes her a box.]

WENDY: Here's yours.

[She passes him a box.]

WENDY: I don't know what happened.

CARTAMN: Neither do I.

[Cartman looks at Wendy.]

CARTMAN (thinking) Oh man, I just WISH I could tell her how I really feel about her. Sure, I act like I hate her, but that's to cover it up. (says) See ya Wendy.

[He walks off. She picks up her box and walks off. Kyle and Stan awaken.]

STAN: Dude! It's over!

KYLE: Wha?

STAN: They've had a quickie!

KYLE: Gross dude!

[12:00AM. Mr.Testaburger walks up to Liane's house, he has the same box Wendy took from Cartman. He knocks on the door, Liane answers.]

MARTY: Here's your Eric's presents. That was such a great idea, hiding the kid's presents at the other's house.

LIANE: My Eric looked so shocked. Oh well. Goodnight.

[She hands him the box and they close the door.]

[Next day. Cartman awakens and rubs his eyes. He looks at his clock.]

CARTMAN: CHRISTMASSSS!!!

[He jumps out of his bed, causing the room to shake a bit. He runs down stairs as fast as he can. Liane's asleep on the couch.]

CARTMAN: MA! MA! It's Christmas!!!

[Liane awakens.]

LIANE: Oh, merry *YAWN* Christmas dear.

[Cartman goes to the tree and sits down, and opens his presents, only to discover...]

CARTMAN: What the hell?!

[He holds up the lipstick.]

CARTMAN: Is this some kind of sick joke Ma?

LIANE: Huh? Mmmmm. I guess I'll have to call Marty.

[At Wendy's House.]

WENDY: Arggghh!! Now this really pisses me off!

[She's surrounded by the boy stuff.]

MARTY: Come on, let's call Liane.

[As he goes to the phone, it rings, he answers.]

LIANE: Marty, what happened?

MARTY: I have no idea.

WENDY: Uhh, Dad, I have to tell you something.

[She whispers into his ear for a while.]

MARTY: You what?! Liane, Wendy just told me that she looked at the present, her and Eric changed last night.

LIANE: Eric, did you and Wendy swap presents?

CARTMAN: Yeah.

BOTH: Ahhhh.

[Cartman and Liane head over to Wendy's house. Cartman sees Wendy in her dressing gown, he goes red.]

CARTMAN: Oh, hi-hi Wendy. Merry Christmas.

[Only being polite, he has to kiss her on the cheek, so he does, she's shocked.]

WENDY: What was that for?

CARTMAN: Duh! A Christmas kiss! My Ma gives me one every year.

WENDY: Oh.

[She kisses him back. He tingles.]

CARTMAN: Thank you.

[They both smile at each other.]

CARTMAN: Uh, Wendy, since this is Christmas, I wanted to tell you something...

WENDY: What?

CARTMAN: Better sit down.

[She sits on her couch, he sits next to her.]

CARTMAN: You see Wendy, I like you. A lot.

WENDY: You do?

CARTMAN: Yes. Ever since you pushed me over in Pre-K. I have liked you a lot. I just call you stuff because I wanted to cover up my feelings for you.

WENDY: You do?

CARTMAN: Let me just say, Stan is the luckiest guy in the world I know. For he has you.

WENDY: That is really sweet of you Cartman. I didn't know you had a sentimental spot.

CARTMAN: I surprise me too.

WENDY: But Cartman, I'm flattered, but you'll meet the right girl. She just hasn't come along yet. Me and Stan were meant to be, no other girl can handle vomit as much as I can.

CARTMAN: I understand.

[He stands up, takes her hand and kisses it.]

CARTMAN: Farewell, my dear Wendy Testaburger.

[He leaves with his Ma. Wendy looks down at he hand and at the door.]

WENDY: Wow.

[Later. Wendy answers the door to find Kyle, Kenny and Stan there.]

WENDY: Merry Christmas S-

STAN: All right Wendy we know!

WENDY: Huh?

KYLE: We know that you and Cartrman!

WENDY: I repeat. Huh?

KENNY: {Kyle heard you and Cartman deciding on a time to bonk each other until the other squeals!}

[They all stare at him.]

STAN: Yeah, me and Kyle was there last night, but we fell asleep. You guys had a 'Quickie'!

[Mrs.Testaburger hears this.]

MRS. TESTABURGER: A what?!

STAN: Your daughter had sex last night with Cartman.

MRS. TESTABURGER: Oh no! Wendy, is this true?!

WENDY: No, Mom!

KYLE: I heard them both deciding on a time!

WENDY: Listen to me! Me and Cartman had a look at our Christmas presents, we discovered them being presents of a opposite sex. So, we both decided to switch.

STAN: Huh?

WENDY: Switch the presents, so we both get the right ones. Then we both ended up with the wrong ones because our parents both swapped them on the same night.

KYLE: Oh.

STAN: At least fat-ass doesn't love you.

WENDY: Stan, his name is Cartman. Call him that. You wouldn't like it if someone called you Puke Boy, would you?

[Stan, Kyle and Kenny stare at her in shock.]

KYLE: I told you dude! They're having an affair!

WENDY: Well, you guys better sit down.

[She leads them in and sits them down.]

WENDY: Cartman came over this morning, and he told me something. Something that made me both shocked and happy.

KENNY: {What?}

WENDY: Ever since I shoved him over in Pre-K, he's...liked me.

STAN: WHAT?!

WENDY: He acted like he hated me, to cover up his true feelings for me.

STAN: That fat fuck! I'm gonna-

WENDY: Wait Stan, I told him that I'm with you. He said that he thinks that you're the luckiest guy in the world to have me.

KYLE: Are you sure that was Cartman?

WENDY: Kyle! He bled his heart out to me, only to have it crushed! I may have ruined his only chance at love in his life! Before he left, he kissed my hand and said: Farewell, my dear Wendy Testaburger.

KENNY: {Whoa!}

[Cartman's House. Cartman looks around his room, then he opens his closet door, and opens a door at the back. We see a huge statue of Wendy, made of all kids of stuff. Her hair is made of scrap paper from some of her books, the eyes are pebbles form her garden and other things.]

CARTMAN: Oh, Wendy, I was a fool to love thee. You belong with a better man, for I am not the kind of man to deserve such a delicate angel sent for another. This shall be the last time I shall set my eyes upon the most beautiful creation God can make.

[We see surrounded by the statue are photos, one of Wendy across the lunch room, another of her in the room with Ms. Ellen, another of her with Stan, and Stan's eyes crossed out. Cartman sits down and stares at it all.]

(Never thought I could write like this, huh? neither could I)

[The door knocks. Liane answers it, it's the gang.]

LIANE: Hello kids!

STAN: Mrs. Cartman, could we speak to Cartman?

LIANE: Sure.

[She lets them in, as soon as they've left, she notices something]

LIANE: Cartman?

[The gang's standing in the hall out in the hall, we hear music playing from Cartman's room, it's 'Where Is The Love?' by Celine Dion. Wendy opens the door, the room is in darkness, except for the glow from his closet.]

STAN: What th-

[Wendy slaps a hand over his mouth.]

WENDY: Shhh!

[They sneak in and see Cartman's little room in the closet, he's miming the song. It appears Cartman's singing the song. They see him from the side, and on the other side of him is a little window, and light is shining through, making it look heavenly a bit.]

STAN (to Kyle and whispering very quietly): Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

[Close up of Wendy, she looks shocked.]

WENDY (thinking): He did this for me? He must really like me. More then Stan does. I've never seen this kind of stuff from Stan.

[The song fades off.]

CARTMAN: Farewell, my dear Wendy. Never shall I try to love a delicate object like you again.

[He stands, as he does, the guys all run out the room. Down in the lounge, Wendy has tears in her eyes.]

STAN: Wendy, what's the matter?

WENDY: I-I never realised how sensitive Cartman is! See what that room was filled with?

KYLE: Photos of you, and a statue made from tons of stuff that belonged to you.

KENNY: {Someone pass the barf bag.}

WENDY: Shut up, Kenny! He's more sensitive than any of you!

STAN: Even me?

WENDY: Well, in a way, yes.

STAN: What?!

WENDY: See how he worshiped the ground I walked on?! He called me a delicate object! Who knows what else he's said!

STAN: I can call you mushy stuff-

WENDY: But Stan, he's kept his feelings for me hidden for so long, and he finally tells me and I do break his heart!

STAN: But I love you too!

WENDY: Well have you kissed me?

STAN: No, but-

WENDY: Well Cartman has!

[They all gasp.]

STAN: When?

WENDY: Yesterday! When he came over he kissed me on the cheek! Then on the hand, without throwing up!

STAN: Fine. That's what you want.

[Stan grabs Wendy, just as Cartman walks into the room, and he kisses her long and hard. Cartman's eyes open in shock and horror. Stan stops and lets Wendy go.]

WENDY: Wow! Now that is what I wan-

[She sees Cartman, he still has the look of horror and shock in his eyes.]

WENDY: Cartman, I-I,

CARTMAN: GET OUT! GET OUT GODDAMN IT!

[Camera shows the front of the house, and door swings open and the kids run out, Kenny's thrown by Cartman.]

CARTMAN: I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! NEVER!

[He slams the door.]

STAN: Oh well. Let's go.

WENDY: Oh well?! Let's go?! Did you see the look in his eyes?! His heart practically broke! I could even tell when it did!

[Flashback, we see Stan and Wendy kiss, close up of Cartman's eyes, we see instead of pupils, we see hearts being ripped in half, bleeding and then falling into flames.]

KENNY: {Oh yeah, his pupils were like that.}

WENDY: I mean, he had a look of complete pain! That's when it happened.

[Inside Cartman's house, he runs into his room and slams the door shut, he puts the CD on again and lays on his bed]

CELINE: If every boy stood on the moon, all the heavens would call their angels round, stop the tears from troubles catch them falling. If ever the river, whispered your name, would the choices you made, still be the same? Like a flower that dies from angriness, why do we have our say?

CARTMAN (joining in): Where is the looovvvveeeee, that lets the sun light in to start again on love, that sees the colored lights. Life begins with love. So spread your wings and fly, guide your spirit safe
and sheleter. A thousand dreams that we can still believe---

[He trails off and starts to cry into his pillow.]

CARTMAN: Why?! Oh God why?! I love her! But, they do it for the first time in front of me!? Why my house? Why did I go into the lounge at that time?!

[He throws open the window and screams into the night.]

CARTMAN: DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST ME?!!?!

[His scream echoes through the town.]

OFFICER BARBRADY: What the hell was that?!

TOM: Wha?

MR. GARRISON: What in the world was that Mr.Hat?

MR. HAT: I don't know Mr.Garrison!

WENDY: Cartman?

STAN: Huh?

WENDY: I just heard Cartman scream out; Do you have something against me?

STAN: No, I don't.

WENDY: Stan, I really think I've hurt him inside! Deeply! I need to talk to him!

STAN: But Wendy, you're my girl. I don't want you talking to him. He's a terrible guy! See how he threw us out his house?

WENDY: We just broke his heart Stan, what do you expect him to do? Throw a tea-party?!

[Next day. Cartman's in his back yard, but no tea party this time. He's laying in the snow, with Clyde Frog sitting behind him.]

CARTMAN AS CLYDE FROG: Well Eric, tell me what is bothering you.

CARTMAN: Well, I have told you guys about how I love Wendy?

CARTMAN AS CLYDE FROG: Uh-uh.

CARTMAN: I found out that she doesn't love me. She is Stan's properly now. So, I just get her out of my system, when I go downstairs and find Stan kissing Wendy in my own lounge! I thought I had gotten her out of me, but my heart ripped in two and burned! I felt it!

CARTMAN AS CLYDE FROG: Well Eric, why don't you tell her?

CARTMAN: How can I?

CARTMAN AS CLYDE FROG: A letter?

CARTMAN: Hey, you're right Clyde! Thanks!

CARTMAN AS CLYDE FROG: No problem Eric, now when is our tea party?

[Cartman's desk. Cartman's writing a letter to Wendy.]

CARTMAN (as he's writing and thinking): Dear Wendy, hey, it's me Eric. How are you and Stan? Getting along fine? I have taken some advice from a friend, and I am writing to you. I love you. I have told you, but when I saw you and Stan on that dreadful day...

[Turns into Wendy's voice as she reads it to Bebe.]

WENDY: I felt my heart break in two, bleedy helplesly and fall into flames. I know how you and Stan are together, I don't know what came over me. Obviously, I was not meant to know the angle that was sent for another. You are Stan's for good, and I know that...

[Turns into Stan as he's reading it to Kyle and Kenny.]

STAN: ...And appreciate that. But I must tell you, no matter what they say to me, no matter what they do, I will always keep my love for you hidden in the deep bowels of my fat heart. My heart used to only beat for you, but now that you're another's, I don't see how it keeps on beating. Love, Eric Cartman.

[He stops and stares at the guys.]

KYLE: Cartman wrote that?

STAN: To my girlfriend?! I'm gonna kill him!

KYLE: Stan, calm down. You need to understand how Cartman feels. His heart was fixed, and broken again. How else can he feel?

[Kenny reads it, for those of you who can't follow, here's what it says:

Dear Wendy, hey, it's me Eric. How are you and Stan? Getting along fine? I have taken some advice from a friend, and I am writing to you. I love you. I have told you, but when I saw you and Stan on that dreadful day I felt my heart break in two, bleedy helplesly and fall into flames. I know how you and Stan are together, I don't know what came over me. Obviously, I was not meant to know the angle that was sent for another. You are Stan's for good, and I know that and appreciate that. But I must tell you, no matter what they say to me, no matter what they do, I will always keep my love for you hidden in the deep bowels on my fat heart. My heart used to only beat for you, but now that you're another's, I don't see how it keeps on beating. Love, Eric Cartman.]

KENNY: {Man, this guy was meant to be a Romeo!}

[They see Cartman by himself under a tree, and go over to him.]

STAN: Hey Cartman. You better now?

CARTMAN: Huh? Oh, fine.

KYLE: Still feel for Wendy?

CARTMAN: Kyle, why bother asking questions you know the answers to?

KYLE: Oh.

KENNY: {You have it bad.}

[Wendy comes over.]

WENDY: Hi guys.

GUYS (except CARTMAN): Hi, Wendy.

[Wendy looks at Cartman.]

WENDY: Hi, Cartman?

CARTMAN (doesn't look at her): Hello, Wendy.

WENDY: Guys, could you excuse us?

[Stan, Kyle and Kenny leave. Wendy sits next to Cartman, he inches away.]

WENDY: Cartman, I got your letter.

CARTMAN: Oh?

WENDY: Yeah, and it made me realise something. That you can't judge a book by it's cover. You appeared to be the way you were to cover something. I am so sorry that I've hurt you. I never meant to.

CARTMAN: But you did. You and Stan.

WENDY: I know. I am dreadfully sorry. But you know,

CARTMAN: You're Stan's and he's yours. I understand perfectly. I was not meant to love you at all.

[He stands.]

CARTMAN: I'm not asking for symphathy, so ignore the way I am. My heart is still coming to terms to the loss of my love.

[He turns and leaves, leaving Wendy by herself.]

WENDY: Aw hell!

[That night. Cartman is writing in a diary.]

CARTMAN: Dear Journal, well, my heart is still aching, like it did a day ago. Wendy has touched me deeply, and I know that her footprints in my heart will never go. But her love for Stan is greater than for me. I understand that. I appreciate everything. Only one thought gives me hope, and that's that if I can't be happy, at least Wendy can with her love of Stan. Gotta go. See ya -Eric.

[Sentimental, isn't it?]

[Cartman goes into bed, turns the light off and drifts off to sleep.]

[Wendy's house. Wendy is *wide* awake, sitting on the side of her bed.]

WENDY: Damn things are so fucked up! Stan and me are okay now, but now I feel sorry for Cartman! Oh Jesus why!?